IS IT JUST ME OR…
Are you pissed you’re getting older? I mean, I finally get to a place where I’m growing more comfortable with myself and my body and now it’s fucking getting OLD! Seriously… if I scowl at someone for more than 10 seconds you will see three lines between my eyebrows when I’m done. Yes, I know they’re called wrinkles but I refuse to acknowledge them by their real name. To me, they are evil lines of decrepitness.
Do you ever stop to wonder who the crazy motherfucker was that came up with zombies? I bet he’s wishing he’d trademarked that shit. Zombies are EVERYWHERE! What is this obsession about? Does it excite people to think about being chased by flesh eating dead people? Or is it the idea that they might be able to hack someone to pieces with an axe one day and it’ll be socially acceptable? I mean vampires, I get. They’re mysterious and seductive and they bite your neck. They live forever and their bodies don’t fall apart, they get stronger and hotter. Zombies look like shit, like walking shit… and yet at this very moment, there are minivans with little sticker families of zombies on the back. There are bumper stickers that say, “I LOVE ZOMBIES”. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW?? Have you ever met a zombie before?? I bet you would rip that bumper sticker off if you did.
Does your husband think something bad is going to happen and you need to be prepared for it? For years now my husband has been working on a “bug out bag”. Now I understand our world is getting out of hand. There very well could be a situation where our power goes out in the house. We could lose INTERNET and TELEVISION and even our HOT WATER. Those are serious situations we need to prepare for. Okay… okay… so one day I might be in the woods thanking him for buying all that rope and water purifiers and knives and ponchos… but right now that shit is just depressing. I have kids… this world better not fucking end! I also thoroughly enjoy being clean. Post apocalyptic people don’t take showers, they’re gross and stinky. I’d be very grouchy, that’s for sure…. my husband should probably plan for that.
Do you wish you could go back in time and kill the person who invented bras? Me too.
Do you wish coffee didn’t make you poop? I mean, don’t get me wrong… sometimes it comes in handy but what about those times you grab a cup of coffee on your way out the door? I don’t know about you, but I’d much prefer pooping in my own house.
When you find out one of your friends is pregnant or about to have their first kid do you secretly laugh and think, “Ha ha, fucker… just wait.” These are the same people that gave you shit for going to bed at nine because you were tired. Or posted pictures of themselves traveling the world while you were changing diapers. Pretty soon they’ll be calling you and asking why it looks like a zombie threw up in their kid’s diaper.
Do you twerk when no one’s watching? If I’m alone in a room with music I transform into Beyonce. As a matter of fact, Beyonce ain’t got shit on me. I’m Sasha Fierce, baby. And then I spend a good five minutes laughing at myself when the song ends.
Is it just me?