Tis’ the Season

Is it just me, or does anyone else think this Elf on the Shelf dude is totally creepy? I mean he sneaks around your house watching everything you do and then you wake up and he’s sitting in some random spot in your house. You can’t touch him, and he just sits there with that disturbing smile on his face that says ‘Yeah, I saw what you did last night when you thought no one was looking.’ I mean he’s cutting his eyes to the side like a total stalker trying not to get caught and he’s blushing like what he caught you doing even embarrassed him!

I’m so glad we didn’t have an Elf on the Shelf growing up. I’d probably be scarred for life, always looking over my shoulder for that weirdo dressed in red. Like kids don’t have enough to worry about.

Seriously, Christmas is getting out of hand. I mean gift giving has become a way to measure how much you care about someone. If you buy them something cheap it’s like ‘What the fuck? I see how it is. I thought she loved me.’ They think your gift means ‘Ehh. We’re cool but I’d rather save the good gifts for my real friends.’ When really it means, ‘I love you and wanted to get you something but I’m broke as shit because I love a lot of people.’

The worst part for me has been leaving the house anytime after Thanksgiving. I’m not even going to address BLACK Friday. I mean that name is ominous enough. Ugh. *shudders*

First you get in your car and everyone is driving like they have explosive diarrhea. They forget all rules of the road and drive through parking lots like it’s a damn race track.

Then if you’re lucky enough to survive the roads and find an empty parking spot you walk (at least a mile) into the mall and have a whole new problem. Fucking kiosks. All you want to do is get to the store at the end of the hall but to get there you have to dodge and weave, avoiding eye contact at all costs. Whatever you do, don’t look up or you’ll have people asking you what hair products you use or what makeup you prefer… just so they can tell you the things you use are shit and you should buy what they’re selling instead. Don’t they realize you have no money to spend on yourself? You have a long list of loved ones waiting to find out how much you love them.

And of course, if you do manage to get into a store, find what you want, and make it to the register without fainting from fatigue, you now have the heavy guilt to bear when the cashier asks you if you’d like to add a dollar to your total to donate to a charity. Of course you want to help but if you donate a dollar at every store, with every purchase, you end up spending more on charities than all of your gifts combined. So you get the courage to say “No, thank you.” Usually you mutter it under your breath so the person in line behind you doesn’t see you for the heartless, cheap bastard you are or you make an excuses like, “No, thank you. I donated the last ten times I was in here.”  “No, thank you. I donated a lung last year and don’t have much left to give.” “No, thank you. I have explosive diarrhea.”

I say we all just send Christmas cards… you know, like the paper ones you send in that box sitting in front of your house… we write everything we love about the person we’re sending it to and spend our money on food, alcohol and egg nog. Mmmm egg nog. I mean think about it, a full tummy, a nice buzz, and a stack of cards telling you how awesome you are. What could be better than that!?

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Wonderful Kwanzaa! Joyful X-Mas!!

Fuck it. Happy Holidays!!

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